Stream of Conscience

Ah, the 3-day weekend looms ahead. For some reason, I’m great at thinking about all the things I’d like to accomplish over the weekend on Friday. But when Saturday rolls around, I draw a complete blank. Every once in awhile I’ll write out a list Friday night. It helps, but I don’t do it often enough.

I’ve been thinking about some of the things I want to accomplish this weekend. The “big ticket” items are those things that aren’t part of every day life. This weekend I’d like to make a trip to Goodwill to drop off some of the electronics I still have hanging around since the last organizer visit. (There is a long story excuse as to why they’re still in my living room.) Then I need to hike over to the laundromat to wash a couple of quilts. Although my washing machine and dryer say “heavy duty,” I’ve found the dryer can’t handle the smaller, lighter quilt. And I’m not even going to try with the larger, heavier quilt. I’ll take along a couple of magazines that have been lying around the house to read. The last “big ticket” item is to take some boxes of gifts to UPS. I hope they’re open on Monday, because trying to get all this done on Saturday won’t happen. Hey! I just figured it out: UPS on Saturday, laundromat on Sunday, Goodwill on Monday.

The rest of the “not fun” stuff consists of every day/every week things like cleaning (mainly the kitchen), groceries, laundry, bills.

That leaves the fun stuff. Like working on a new blog I’m trying to put together, Sci Fi Chicks. I asked some of the people at my LiveJournal blog if they’d like to contribute to a site about genre-type tv shows (& more), and the enthusiasm was a pleasant surprise. Now that I’ve got the domain names resolving correctly (which took most of last weekend), it’s time to tweak the site’s format and design to make it our own.

Oh, and maybe I’ll get my iPod music transfered from the old computer to the new one. Or, does iTunes remember what I’ve bought and automatically include them when I download the program? I’d purchased a couple of albums just before the computer crashed and never got them transferred to the iPod. I think the music’s about the last item on the old computer I want to transfer. Then I’ll be able to get the computer off my dining room table and sell it. I even have a buyer at the ready!

To quote The Devil on Reaper, “Good times.”

About a week or so ago, I ran out of one of my prescriptions for happy pills.  I knew it might cause some of my negative emotions to rise to the surface, and it did in the form of frustration with work.  But frustration with work is not all that unusual anyway.  Surprisingly, I actually had some good experiences while off the drug, but yesterday I started to feel rather sorry for myself.  I’m sure some of it was the fact that I had a low-grade headache, but I got to the part where I just didn’t have the energy to do much of anything.

One thing that’s been weighing on my mind is the end of a 26-year, very close friendship.  Actually, we’d been growing apart for a few years, so perhaps its more like a 20-year relationship.  I’ve written about her lack of support before (although I’ll be darned if I can find it); and some of the ways she’s hurt me in the past.

Various people have told me over the last years that I should probably end it.  But I just couldn’t imagine doing it.  I guess I wasn’t ready to give up on the relationship.  But so many significant things happened to me this past year that she’s ignored.  And after totally ignoring my birthday, not to mention my phone calls and e-mails, I’d had enough.

I wrote an e-mail explaining how I felt, and how I feel I’ve been ignored.  Even though I was sure she hadn’t read the e-mail (she corresponds from work), I felt so much better having just written and (prematurely) sending it.  Then, last week she sent an e-mail that I’m sure was meant to be funny, but I found it insulting.  I hated to reply to her at work, but I knew otherwise she’d never see it.  In it, I told her to check her home e-mail.

I have not heard from her since.  Nor do I think I ever will.  I know she probably thinking this is my normal (destructive) pattern of behavior, because I have alienated a lot of people in my life.   Some of those were my fault; I was severely depressed and didn’t always understand the effect my behavior would have on others.  Other times, I just had to set limits because of other circumstances.

Of course, all this alienation leads me to think that a lot of it is my fault.  And I’m willing to believe that to some extent.  But I think the other part is that I’d been a doormat for so long, I thought I deserved to be treated as a nonentity.

Today I got an e-mail from my counselor, part of her monthly newsletter.  She first talked about patience, and how sometimes being patient is difficult and painful.  She ended with 30 ways to build self-esteem.  The last one was “Communicate your needs.”  That’s just what I needed to hear!  Things will be difficult and painful for awhile, but I’ll be better off in the long run.  And I did communicate my needs.  If my friend cannot take my needs into account, then what kind of friend is she?

Of course, I can’t deliver the line as smugly as Charles Malik Whitfield, but you get the idea.  (Well, only if you watch Supernatural.  If you don’t, then start, dammit!)

I was out & about yesterday, instead of staying inside making little tiny pictures.  Went and got my semi-annual pedicure.  Then went to Old Town (or Old Towne or Olde Town, I can never remember which it is) Alexandria for a couple errands.  Picked up two watches I’d left for repair at the coolest jewelry shop in the history of ever.  One watch had been broken for a year.  I wore it to Texas last summer to see Jensen Ackles in “A Few Good Men.”  And when I went to change the time, the stem broke.  What a bitch.  And it was the first time I’d worn it.

Then I stopped by the comic book store to pick up episode 3 of “Supernatural Origins,” which I’d missed the last time I was in.  The smell of incense filled the room.  I mentioned that it took me back to my college days, and Howard (the owner) said “We’re all a bunch of aging hippies here.”   I knew there was a reason I fit in!  :D  I also wanted the latest magazine issue of the Supernatural magazine (5, is it?) but he didn’t have it.  Somehow we got on the subject of variant covers.  (Oh, I remember.  Each issue of the magazine has a “collectible” cover, one that doesn’t have any text on it other than the title, and I’d bought one last time without realizing it .)  Howard keeps his variant covers behind the counter in protective covers.  I mentioned the gorgeous one they’d had for “Supernatural  Rising Son” issue 1, and relayed the story of one gal who’d gone to her comic store the day it came out and the owner had already jacked the price up to $15.  (Of course she bought it!  I would have, too!)  Howard was outraged.  Or should I say “incensed”? Ha!

It was a beautiful day, and I saw lots of bicyclists everywhere.  I was so jealous, I decided right then & there that next summer I’d be back among them.   I used to ride a lot.  I thought nothing of coming home after work and riding down to Mount Vernon, 24 miles round-trip.  Which meant weekend rides were much longer.  There’s something about biking that soothes my soul more than anything else.  Maybe it’s the rhythm of the pedals and the wheels turning.  All I know is that when I get on the bike, my cares melt away within seconds.  Yep, my bike needs me.