Archive for the ‘Head Games’ Category

The week that I wish wasn’t

March 15th, 2008

This week has been hellish. I had a serious meltdown on Wed. I hadn’t had one in quite a long time, and was trying to figure out what triggered it. I don’t get PMS anymore, so that wasn’t it. The bitchiness of menopause has long since passed. And my happy pills have been working quite well for the past year—I’ve been able to let things roll off my back and not take things personally. But something triggered me to get VERY upset. Well, it was a series of somethings that started on Monday.

Granted, it’s been a very high-tempo, high-stress week, with VIP visitors and super-VIP briefings, very similar to the week I noted here, only worse. And while times like this are stressful, I can usually cope.

I finally figured out what the problem was on Friday. Besides all the high-tempo stuff, it was the first week of daylight savings time. Perhaps my circadian clock is off.

Either that, or I actually cared about what I was doing. I’m going with the daylight savings time, because if I don’t, I’m not sure I’ll make it to retirement.

Posted in Head Games, Work | Comments (3)

It’s not a joke any more

March 7th, 2008

I’ve been joking at my LiveJournal website that I’m addicted to making user pics, those little pictures that can posted with each post and comment. (WordPress has gravatars, but you only get 1 [to my knowledge]. LJ gives you a boatload [if you pay for them].

Well, it’s not a joke any more. This week my addiction hit critical mass. While it’s been affecting my personal time for quite awhile now, preventing me from getting certain weekend chores done, this week it affected my work life. I won’t go into the details because it’s much too embarrassing, but suffice it to say I sunk to a new low.

What surprised me was how similar my behavior is to that of an alcoholic or drug abuser. It really affected my mental state.

Fortunately, I’ve been able to pull myself out of the rut I was in. At least for now. But the weekend looms before me. Hopefully I’ll be able to get some of my chores done before I sit down at the computer. And when I do sit down, I’m hoping I’ll be able to do those things I need to do first, before I start playing around.

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Some days are good, some are bad and some are good & bad.

December 10th, 2007

I often have a hard time letting things roll off my back. I’m much, much better than I used to be, but sometimes I still get pulled into that trap. That’s kind of how I’m feeling right now.

One of our senior sergeants, I guy I really like, retired today. Retirement and promotion ceremonies can be a formal or relaxed as you want. This one was pretty formal. Several of the military folks were in their “Class A Uniform” (as apposed to the “Army Combat Uniform,” or ACU, I see them in every day). I was walking down the hall and saw the unit’s senior enlisted man, who was coordinating everything. I commented that I barely recognized him all dressed up. He said “Master Sergeant B’s retirement ceremony is today. I think he’d like it if you were there.” I was planning to go anyway, but this little comment made me smile. When people I admire accept and appreciate me, it makes me feel good.

One of the neat things some of the enlisted folks did was present the flag, very similarly to how the honor guards do it. I always love the folding of the flag, because I have special memories of it. My dad taught me how when I was around 10 or so & in the Girl Scouts. (And when he died, his coffin was draped with the flag, because he was a veteran. As the American Legion fellows were folding it, and the bugle was playing taps, I could see my dad sitting in his comfy chair, leaning forward, instructing me fold by fold.) This folding was very precise and as each fold was made, the emcee spoke of what each fold means. I’d never heard that before and it was quite interesting, if a bit dated.

But this afternoon, all I got was “I need your help” for things that aren’t my responsibility and beyond my control. The crowning moment came when I sent a request to my headquarters asking for some assistance. What came back was a snotty e-mail saying to look it up on Google. The guy then called to say he had Googled it and found the answer in 2 minutes. As I was driving home, I wondered why this irritated me so much and found the answer. If I had been in his shoes and found the information, I would have passed it on.

People often tell me I’m too nice. Maybe I am, but I’m not sure I could live with myself any other way.

Posted in Family, Head Games, Military, Work | Comments (0)

Writing from the heart

June 17th, 2007

I’m taking a writing class. The idea is to possibly write a memoir about my parents. I came to this conclusion after a heavy-duty session with my counselor. The impetus for it was the season finale of Supernatural. In it, one of the brothers sells his soul in order to bring his brother back to life. (Hey, the series is named Supernatural for a reason!) As selling brother says as he’s getting his ass reamed by the fabulous Bobby Singer, “At least maybe now my life can mean something.” To which Bobby says “And it didn’t before? Are you that screwed in the head?”  (To which I always reply, “Yes, Bobby, he is.”)

This scene really affected me because I’ve often felt the same way.  Why am I here?  I haven’t procreated, I’m stuck in a job I don’t like, I’ve alienated a couple of great friends, my only brother and I are estranged, and I haven’t done any extra-curricular activities in several years.

Ever since my father died over 10 years ago, I’ve wanted to write about my parents. They were part of the “greatest generation.” The things they lived through as young adults, I can’t even fathom. And they were two of the best people I’ve ever known. (They weren’t necessarily the best parents, which is partly why I’m so screwed in the head, but they were wonderful people, and I’m so glad I got to know them as an adult.)

While I’m a fairly good writer, I’m not terribly creative. I’m hoping this class will help me tap into some part of my brain I haven’t used yet. Wish me luck. By the way, for my first assignment, I wrote about a trip I took last week to Fort Worth, Texas. You can read about it ad nauseum here. (Most of the posts on the first page relate the story. And I’ll be writing about it here, too, because it was just that awesome!) This week, I’m going to write about my grandfather, Sigel Overholt.  Funny name, wonderful man.

Posted in Couch Critic, Family, Head Games, Write Right | Comments (3)

Day 2—in retrospect

February 19th, 2007

I thought about posting several times yesterday, but just never got to it. My right forearm was ridiculously sore from all my efforts to free my car from its ice & snow-encrusted prison. I got all the snow & ice off of the car, but there’s still icy snow up around the tires. Both Saturday & yesterday, the temperature was supposed to get above freezing. I figured once the snow got a little mushy, I be able to get underneath it or break it up so that I could shovel it. Well, if it got above freezing, it didn’t reach the ground. Of course, it didn’t help that my neighbor was out there pouring hot water to melt some of the snow. Now the ice in that spot is about 1 inch thick.

Nonetheless, I did get my car out. It took a bit of effort, and it’s not a pretty sight, but at least I’m mobile.

As usual, I didn’t get as much done on Sunday as I had on Saturday. Still, I cleaned out my frig & went to the grocery store. And got a few more loads of laundry done. And found a book I’d been looking for. And I have yet another day off to get more accomplished.

The pull of the computer games is immense. It’s such relaxing passtime for me.  But it’s also an escape, and an enormous time-waster.  (And solitaire doesn’t count, because I easily get bored with it and move on.)

Posted in General, Head Games | Comments (0)

This stops now: Day 1

February 17th, 2007

A week or so ago, I decided to try to break my computer game habit. But before I knew it, I’d retrieved the game from my recycle bin and was through a few levels. So I then thought it might be easier to start the new habit on a weekday. Well, that didn’t work. But I have been spending inordinate amounts of time on the computer, and my life is suffering.

It really hit me yesterday. I’ve gotten myself into a terrible mess with work and home, and I have to get out of it somehow. I’m hoping it’s not too late for the work part. I know it’s not too late for the home part; it’s just overwhelming.

So, I figure the first thing I can do is stop playing the damn computer games. Oh, I have other bad habits & obsessions, but I’m only going to work on one of them at a time. Maybe that way I stand a fighting chance.

I made a list of five (only 5) things I want to accomplish today. And I want to do this on every weekend/holiday. I did this last Saturdary & it worked nicely. However, by Sunday I threw it out the window. (No good reason other than I just didn’t want to do it.)

I’m currently reading “The Four Agreements,” and it’s time I start putting the first agreement into action. Be impeccable with your word. I have fallen so far from this agreement, I can’t even begin to write about it. It’s overwhelming, but more importantly, I’m too ashamed to put my behavior in writing. This behavior has got to stop. Now. I have to honor my commitments, not only to others, but to myself as well.

So, with that said, I better go honor my commitment to accomplish 5 things today and start one of those tasks—the laundry.

Posted in Head Games | Comments (2)